Ebrior Quam Genius
by Bizzle
Summary: Drunker Than Genius: a small but growing collection of drabbles built around everyone's favorite (presumably sober) boy genius.
1. Pesci e Fiore

"Drabbles" are short bits of writing limited to just one hundred words, so these are all supposed to be short bits. Drabbles are quick scenes, shared dialogue, or character sketches done in a small burst of writing fervor, making them excellent writing practice, not that it's helped me much. Ergo, everything posted here is supposed to be brief and to the point; brevity is the only necessity in writing a drabble. I've also checked FF.N's rules and drabbles in no way break them.  
  
So. No reporting. Now go and read my crummy writing. ;p  
  
Most of these were originally posted at the Livejournal.com community AF100. Go check it out.  
  
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**Pesci e Fiore**  
  
Title: It means "Fish and Flower," supposedly.  
Finished: August 21st, 2003.  
Summary: There are reasons why Pesci e Fiore does a such roaring trade in this part of the country. Its food is not one of them.  
Characters/Pairings: Artemis/Juliet, which surprised me greatly.  
Word count: 212. Just one hundred? Bah!  
Ramblings: For Jude, because I want to have his babies. Why isn't there an official Jude fanclub yet? Also, I can't believe that at some point in my life I wrote het and that this was it. Oy.  
  
---  
  
Artemis stares down at the cold lump of french fries lying dead in his plate with intense distaste. "You expect me to eat this wretched grease- swabbed excuse for a potato?"  
  
Juliet clucks her tongue disapprovingly, as though she has actually got the gall to remind Artemis of date etiquette, and hands him a large and several decades old bottle of fancy catsup. "Here, just try it with this. The food here really grows on you after the first few times."  
  
Artemis snorts loudly and resists the urge to say that the food probably does grow on you, but more like a fungus than anything else. He swallows his pride - for dating a Butler requires the ability to let one's self be easily dominated - and turns the catsup encrusted bottle upside down, hoping against hope that it'll drown out the horrible taste of his "meal."  
  
Red goes everywhere. Everything from his tie to his shoelaces is covered in ketchup. Artemis glares at Juliet, almost livid at her for having the nerve to laugh at him, and plops down the now soaked bouquet of roses he was going to hand off to her at the end of their dinner on to the table.  
  
"Here," he says evenly, "I'm sure they'll taste especially nice now."  
  
Juliet snorts even louder.  
  
---  
  
Ah ha ha. Sooo bad. 


	2. Blue Eyes

**Blue Eyes  
**  
Title: Named after the man himself.  
Finished: September 9th, 2003.  
Summary: "_The best and the worst I've ever had. Were you ever truly good or bad_?" Artemis questions his daddy, but you know he'll always love him.  
Characters/Pairings: Artemis, Butler, and perhaps Frank Sinatra.  
Word count: 233. I can never do just one hundred.  
Notes: Set after Artemis has heard the news about the Fowl Star being blown up. It also sucks - a lot - but was fun to write.  
  
---  
  
Butler had heard the first few strains after he had set the last terminal down, making room for the large computer part by nudging the other dozen of them away from the stair landing. The music was somewhat muted and tiny, sounding aged and as though it had not been touched in years or even decades. Opening the study's heavy oak door to investigate, Butler turned his eyes to the source.  
  
He saw Artemis curled tightly into the room's far corner, staring avidly at a rusty phonograph, the last of his father's possessions in the study and, most likely, the last of his father period. Artemis never wavered his gaze from it, even after Butler had fully entered the room, and together they listened to the final words of the song just barely playing:  
  
"_Oh they say that all good things must end  
But endings always leave somebody sad.  
But I remember that the worst you ever gave me  
Was the best I ever had_."  
  
As the needle clicked off, Artemis stood without a word and dusted himself off, not looking Butler in the eye. As he began to leave the room, Butler hesitantly placed his hand on the young boy's shoulders, softly saying, "It's okay to miss him, you know."  
  
Artemis shook the comforting hand off and turned his cold eyes away. "I never needed him." And with that, he walked away.  
  
---  
  
Aaaand this one is even worse.


	3. leik omg masturbation :O

... I am evil and corrupt.  
  
---  
  
**Wanking!Arty**  
  
Title: I honestly couldn't think of anything else.  
Finished: June 30th, 2003.  
Summary: Oh, what do you think? Masturbation ahoy, mateys. Ye have been warned.  
Pairings: So-strong-it's-like-you're-being-smacked-with-a-trout implication of Artemis/Butler.  
Word count: 231. Oy. Can never do one hundred.  
Ramblings: For Blue Yeti, who greatly amuses me and needs to write more Arty/Butty.

---  
  
The dorm is nearly quiet. Aside from the soft breathing of sleeping young men, the only sound in the early morning is the single set of bedsprings that squeak quietly as their user turns to face his digital clock. It is nearly four in the morning.  
  
Artemis turns silently on to his back again, facing the top of his canopy bed. He nervously bits his lower lip - he's not quite sure about this. But it's a learning experience, he reminds himself, and according to his dorm mates it's something that all boys normally do.  
  
Artemis has no wish to be normal, but he wishes to be experienced in all things, even the more sordid details of teenage life.  
  
He lifts the elastic waistbands of his pajamas with one hand and slides his other one in. After another brief moment of hesitation, he takes the plunge and nearly strangles his own member from apprehensiveness.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Artemis runs his hand over himself. He slides it up and around, feeling the quivering tip and running a finger between his own shuddering testicles.  
  
In just a few minutes he reaches orgasm, mumbling something incoherent to himself as he comes. Before dropping into a deep slumber, he thinks that he should at least clean himself off, but decides to take care of it in the morning.  
  
The next day at breakfast, his dorm mate tentatively asks, "Who's Butler?" 


	4. My milkshake brings 'em, yo

Good gracious, it's an update! And in a different format, too, my heavens.  
  
---  
  
**I Know What Boys Like**  
- "I know what boys want." There are some things you just don't want to know.

Since my laptop is broken and I'm stuck with this old clunk, there's a ton of writing I haven't looked at in over a year circling about. This one was lurking about and clocks in at 119 words.

---

Oh. Well then. All Butler could do was just stare down awkwardly at his feet in an attempt to save both his and Artemis's dignity, though the latter was losing his share of it fast.  
  
Artemis had the grace to at least look abashed while Juliet bit her lower lip to keep from laughing. Butler stared down a bit more, then quietly closed the door and headed for the kitchen. Mister Fowl would hopefully not notice the depletion in his "emergency" scotch.  
  
After hearing her brother's footsteps go back down the hall, Juliet let herself giggle like a school girl. Artemis threw a pillow at her head, but continued letting her paint his toenails a dashing firehouse red anyway.


	5. HollyArtemis makes me feel so USED

ANOTHER UPDATE. I am on a roll. :O  
  
---  
  
Mistakes Happen - ".. and they are most often followed by violence." Love often takes a turn for the worst, but hey.  
  
Wrote this one at 3:12 am. Fuuun. 110 words.  
  
---  
  
He wasn't that mentally prepared when it happened - something he'd admit to no one but himself and _perhaps_ Butler - but he liked it well enough.  
  
It happened in that absurdly cliche way that most great romances tend to be destined to do: an arguement that had grown quickly and too much out of proportion, heated debate turned raging and passionate as they got into each other's faces about it, and with a mere slip of his foot -  
  
It was Artemis's first kiss and, if he was honest with himself, he enjoyed it. Immensely.  
  
Or at least up until Captain Short gave him a black eye. Then it was just horrid and awkward. 


	6. No one knows everything

I like how the formatting never works. :3

---

**Knowledge Is Power**

- "And so Artemis is weak." You can't know everything, Arty.

Word count? Psh. I need no word count.

---

Artemis' intellect had always been two things: alarming on some deep, primal scale for many who had made his aqauntence, and, fortunately for Artemis and the company he kept, resolute in its brilliance. He _knew_, he'd _always_ know, and knowing everything was what counted. His astounding mind could be depended upon in all situations to pull him from any incoming danger that life could throw at him. In short, Artemis Fowl the Second's brain was a consistent, dependable tool that even Jeeves and Holmes would have respectfully defered to, and so the fashion would be, forevermore.  
  
At least that's what Artemis had thought, though the possibilty of being wrong had, of course, crossed his mind once or twice. Traitorous thoughts. Artemis cursed himself and his egotism quietly, then wiped the blood from his lips.  
  
Leveling his gun at the half-crazed Juliet, Artemis knew that, this time, _he didn't know_. He tried to clear his mind - tried not to think of Holly lying broken and dead before him. Of Domovoi leaping in front of him for one last, final time. Of Juliet's last sane look before Spiro's injection flowed into her brain, bubbling the blood and water around it as she screamed in anguish and confusion.  
  
He didn't know what to do.  
  
He didn't know.


End file.
